I've been on edge for a couple days now. Snippy and testy. All traits I love in myself. No, not really. I knew I was in trouble when I met a girlfriend for lunch the other day and when asked what I felt like eating I replied with "A deep fried salt lick dipped in sugar and chocolate."
With our upcoming leave date getting closer and closer. I'm starting to get a bit anxious. Mainly, I'm trying to make arrangements for my family, get the fridge stocked, etc, etc... On top of that, everyday I remember something I still need to get for my trip in 12 days. Yikes. And with the busyness of life, baseball, husband and kids, I feel stretched. Spending time with my husband and kids have been my main focus lately, although schedules haven't always allowed it. UGH!!!
Brokenness. Something I've been journaling alot on and it’s something that’s been on my heart for a while, and a word that is having a major impact on my life.
Brokenness breeds humility. When I start to realize who God is in comparison to who I am, I really have a hard time holding my head up trying to brag about the things that I have done. More and more I am realizing that the things in my life that I have done that are good, are things that God would have me do. At some point we are all humbled before God, either by confrontation or destination. I am tired of being humbled by confrontation. Why do I wait for disasters for God to show me who He is, and how He works through the toughest of times? Maybe I should purposefully seek God out before I am in need, before tragedy. I think of all the people that came to Jesus to get healed, and how they came before Him completely broken. Lepers ostracized from their families, cripples confined to the dirt streets, they were broken. And because of their faith, their humble faith, Jesus healed them.
Brokenness leads to healing. I learned in nursing school how human muscles are odd. In order for them to grow, they must first be torn apart. But when they do heal, they come back stronger than before. If we never own up to anything being wrong in our lives, how will we ever get better? I hate going to the doctor. It’s a last resort option for me. I don’t know why I am this way, but I will try everything under the sun, including ignoring the pain, before I break down and go to the doctor. But that is what they are there for, to prescribe what we need to be healed. Here’s the amazing thing about the people that Jesus healed, they always got more than what they asked for. A blind man comes to get his sight restored and not only does he walk away with vision, but a clean soul as well. We ask Jesus to make things in our lives better, and He forgives us of our sins.
I've also seen how brokenness builds community. Those who are farther along share their struggles with those who are still weak. In the book of James it says that when we confess to God our sins are forgiven, and when we confess to each other we are healed. Jesus said that a hospital is for the sick.
I am broken, and often I tend to make things harder than they really need to be. And yet, the end result? Love, pure and simple. It may take me longer to get to my destination, but I'm thankful, that although I may veer off the road, the road doesn't end, and always merges back on where it needs to.
I have a wonderful husband (wonderful, not perfect. Not psychic either, which has made his life a little less enjoyable this week) and two children in whom I am well pleased and whose smiles make my day. Instead of looking at my brokenness as a handicap, I'm trying to view it as a strength. And not for myself... Because out of brokenness, comes compassion. Compassion for those who may also be broken.
Have a blessed weekend..
~M
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